Five hundred grand's a lot of money, Johnny. It's a lot of money.
So, before I do the deal,
I need to look you in the eye and ask you, Johnny, is there any reason...
any reason at all...
why I should be nervous about doing this?
- Mr. Coleman, I assure you... - Sorry darling, no offence,
but this is a man I've already done business with. This is a man I know I can trust.
I need to hear it from him.
Johnny, is there any reason, any reason at all...
why I should not transfer the money?
World politics, editorial comment, current affairs, means nothing to you?
- Depends on their odds. - What race are they in?
Think I'm gonna stick with Blinkered Outlook.
It's a tragedy, it's a bloody tragedy.
My football team gone under.
I spent half me life down that club.
Butcher Boyland, Chopper Norris.
Cup of Bov! Dog roll!
Is he still speaking English?
And now it's gone, just like that.
Part of your heritage, part of my community, gone forever!
And do you want to know why?
Cos it got infected, didn't it?
Infected with the same disease that's gonna kill 'em all off soon enough -
greed.
I want to tell you a story...
about a man who had a dream...
that ordinary fellas would come together once a week.
And worship.
And these gods that we came to adore, they weren't invisible deities
who demanded we fear them or abase ourselves before them. Nah!
No, these gods were just like us.
Hard-working men who came from the same factories we worked in,
who played for the same reasons we watched - for the joy!
Not for the money, not for the fame, not for the loose cars and fast women.
- Don't you mean... - Because they loved what they did!
Let me tell you...
in 1862...
Ebenezer Cobb Morley...
had a dream that this beautiful game of ours would be played
in every town, every village, every city in the land!
But now, 150 years after he formed the Football Association of Great Britain...
that dream lies in tatters, my friends.
Ripped apart by the greed of the players, the managers, the owners, and...
the ones that corrupt them all...
the agents!
Well, I say to you...
we can no longer sit back and watch this dream die forever,
watch communities like Railton be ripped apart,
because football is my game.
Football is your game.
Football is our game.
And I want it back!
Yeah, well, you're supposed to clap and cheer at that bit, you know.
There's lolly in it.
Lots of lovely lolly.
Lolly? You should have said something...
Fantastic. Great.
- I love football. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me introduce you to Don Coleman.
Agent. Businessman. Cockroach.
Three months ago, he pulled up outside a house in the back streets of Railton.
See, if you look like a general and you walk like a general
and you sound like a general,
then you are a general.
You want me to wear a general's uniform?
I want you to wear a suit that cost more than my lunch.
Shit!
Gino Genovase.
Runs Genovase Talent Ltd. Wasn't supposed to be here till tomorrow.
- What? - Remember, kid...
we're like sharks -
we stop moving forward, we die.
- You can't do that, that was... - When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
No one's gonna steal this boy from me.
This boy is my suite at Sandy Lane, this boy is my new Merc.
If anybody asks, he stepped out in front of me.
There was nothing I could do.
- But you... - Correct. Get out.
Come on.
Follow my lead.
Step back, step back, step back.
Mr. Price, how are you? Looking really, really good.
Do you mind if we come in? Eh?
Oh! Mrs. Price.
You look a million dollars.
You're not Gino.
Well, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this,
but Gino Genovase was arrested this morning on child pornography charges.
So, I've taken the liberty of popping over to help you out of this little hole.
Now, where's the infant prodigy?
- Your son. Where's your son? - Oh, right.
- Asda? - I tell you what, you carry on making the tea,
I'll pop up, and Pete here will take you through our draft contract.
But we didn't want to sign today.
And you absolutely shouldn't sign today. It's a huge decision you're making.
In fact, I forbid you from signing...
today.
All right? Great.
So, Asda was a Railton lad, born and bred.
He came up through their young talent programme
and they've been waiting a long time for this day,
when all their hard work would pay off, and they could recoup the money,
the time, the faith they'd invested in the lad,
with his transfer fee to a bigger club.
Cristal champagne, Asda. Imagine that! It's the best champagne money can buy!
What about lager?
Or lager. You like lager? I'll get you lager.
I'll get you the finest lager in the world. On tap.
And cars? A new Porsche every week. Smash it up. Boom! Get another one.
And the girls, Asda. Oh, the girls, what'll they do for you?
Everything. Anything! There'll be roasts every night of the year.
- Chicken or beef? - Mainly pork.
- With gravy? - Oh, Asda!
There'll be a lot of gravy, Asda. There'll be gravy for everyone.
All you have to do is pop downstairs,
tell your mum and dad you want to sign our draft contract now.
Remind them that City's window is now,
and you insist on signing today.
So the boy signed,
and Railton started to spend the hundred grand they thought they were gonna get.
But Coleman had pulled a flanker - some legal small print nobody had spotted,
which meant no transfer fee was due if he left before his 16th birthday.
Asda was 15 years, 11 months and 29 days the day Coleman signed him to City.
- No way. - Why would he do that?
What difference does it make to Coleman
whether Railton get their transfer fee or not?
Because no transfer fee made Price a more attractive buy for City,
which meant Coleman was able to negotiate a bigger weekly wage,
which upped his commission, so Coleman made five grand more and cost Railton 100.
They went into administration a week later.
- Evil. - Isn't it?
But a perfect mark.
- Exactly. - So how do we get him?
Let's find who he is first, and then we'll take it from there.
People like to buy.
People love to buy.
Doesn't matter if it's a car, a laptop, or a footballer, people love to buy.
Why do they like to buy?
It's because, in this unsure world full of ups and downs,
ins and outs, comings and goings,
if you sell our product well,
it comes gift-wrapped
in your certainty
that this product will... enhance the punter's life!
And let me tell you, gentlemen, a punter likes that.
Oh! The punter loves it!
It makes him feel all warm and gooey inside!
And when he feels all warm and gooey inside...
that, my friend, is when you have the sucker!
Yeah!
Let's all make some money!
- ...through to Marquez. - Go on, son. Go on.
- And, oh, goodness! - Ooh!
What a crunching tackle there by the City left back, Don Coleman.
Ah! This is my kind of research.
- Not half. - Another beer please, Ed.
Tell us about your latest signing, Don.
Jason's a simple lad... with simple tastes.
That's why we're quite confident here at Footstar
that Fresh-Pops will benefit...
from its association with such a down-to-earth fella.
See? Hand-to-eye coordination, innit? You've either got it...
- Or you haven't. - Ash.
Eddie was just telling me he was something of a sportsman himself in his day.
- Really? - Yeah, I mean,
I've let meself go a bit, obviously, but in me time...
- I had trials, you know. - Oh, we've all had trials, Eddie.
It's the convictions that count.
Right, you ready?
OK. Sean.
So, ex-footballer himself,
he set up Footstar with the insurance payoff he got from an injury.
He used the skills he learnt on the pitch - cheating and intimidation, mainly -
to make it very successful very quickly.
Well, he had some run-ins with the FA, then there are allegations about tapping up.
He procured some forged visas for foreign players,
but nothing ever stuck. Why?
Because he was the original Teflon Don.
Last year he brokered deals worth over 100 million pounds.
He looks after several England players, and he...
...he actually managed to secure them pay rises after South Africa.
No! I'm getting angry again now.
Don't let him get angry, he starts making speeches.
- All right. Emma. - OK.
Alongside the agency, he now also runs a sponsorship company,
tying up his players to products,
and in the last 18 months he's attempted to broker the purchase
of at least one Premiership side.
But the deal always falls through, because he's out of his depth.
Well, judging by what I saw last night,
Don Coleman represents everything that's going wrong with the game.
He thinks he's beyond ordinary morals or rules, that he's untouchable.
If he thinks that, he's gonna teach those lessons to the players.
- So how do we rope him in? - Don Coleman is a salesman.
That's the only thing he really understands.
So we have to brush up on our old sales patter,
after which we can offer him the only thing he's really interested in.
- Money? - Exactly. Money in the form of a bribe
to secure a work permit for Brandon Casey, our new star striker,
looking to relocate all the way from Canada.
- And if he takes the bribe? - If he takes it, he likes us, trusts us.
Then we offer him what he really wants.
- Exactly. - A seat at the big boys' table.
Yes. The chance to broker the sale of a football club to Albert.
What possibly could go wrong.
Erm... Sorry, did I miss something? What do I do?
Oh, it's a bit of a back-room role on this one, Emma.
Erm... Lots of R&D necessary, of course, but you can't be front-line, can you?
- Can't I? Why? - Well, it's just...
- Just what? - It's just you're a woman.
- What, and women and football don't go? - Well...
- Ooh, Ash, that is so sexist. - Sexist? There's nothing I like better
than watching 22 gorgeous women in tight-fitting shorts rolling about in the mud.
Mm! I see what you did there.
Like I said, there's lots of R&D necessary. You'll still be a vital part of the con.
Oh, yeah. God. Vital, yeah.
- Essential, you know, key... in fact. - Yeah! Yeah!
Now where's my bleedin' dinner?
It was a joke!
- Then you've got the Assumptive. - OK, what's that one?
It's, erm, "We need to discuss your life insurance, sir.
"Which day would be best, Monday or Thursday?"
- All right, I got it. - Yeah.
And then there's the Puppy Dog.
"Oh, you don't want a puppy dog, sir?"
"Well, how about you take it home on a free trial?
- "Is that OK with you, kids?" - Whoo!
- He does listen. - And you've got your Ben Franklin.
"Ben Franklin always made a list of all the pros and cons, ma'am.
"Howsaboutee we do the same?"
But then my favourite is the Negative.
- The Negative? - You take it away from them.
If you tell someone they can't have something,
it quickly becomes the only thing in the world they actually want.
- Nah, it's risky. - Yeah, but perfect for this.
We don't want him to bite straight away.
We're gonna plant a seed in his head, leave it there, let it grow
then harvest it later on.
And then... Bam! He's ours.
All right there, mate, can I help you?
One minute and 48 seconds. Oh, dear.
- I'm sorry, who... - Planes? Too hard now.
Trains? Been there, done that.
What aspect of British culture
do you think your crazed terrorist is likely to strike at next?
- Er... - Er... Exactly.
You've just given him one minute and 48 seconds to recce your facility.
I mean, we knew things were bad, but not this bad.
- What's your name, son? - Michael. Michael Williams.
OK, Mr. Michael Williams.
- I'm ready to go inside now. - Er...
Bez, come on. Why are you making an issue here?
There is no problem.
You don't open till eleven, we're gonna be out by ten.
Bez, I need you to trust me on this one.
Just one favour. That's all I'm asking, all right? Trust me.
Guys, listen up! Those of you lucky enough to be chosen need to be here by seven.
It's for a private event, for a sports charity. Come on, look alive!
Hi. And you are?
- Cheryl Cole. - Right.
But I can also do Michelle Heaton or Posh.
At a push, if it's not too close up.
Yeah, we would need to be within the same county I'm afraid, love.
OK, thank you, we'll call you.
Next, please.
Don't tell me. Peter Crouch.
OK, Michael, where are we now?
Section G, pitch level, South End. Like you said.
- Effectively in the heart of the stadium. - Yeah.
Pitch side, training session in progress.
- Hmm. - And you don't even know my name.
- What? - You don't even know my company's name.
No, but you said...
Yet you have led me, Michael, into the heart of the stadium
because of some, frankly, quite crude auto suggestion on my part.
I could be a complete fraud, Michael.
Look, go and wait in your office. I'll be ten minutes.
All right.
You're calling him a liar. You're calling him a liar? Is that right? Eh?
I mean... How's that gonna work?
You tell me how that's gonna work.
Explain that to me, cos you're making no sense whatsoever, Susan.
We're going round and round in circles here, girl. You what?
Say that again.
Nah, nah, nah, nah. It don't work like that, girl.
Listen, if you're not making me any money, you're working for the competition.
Are you working for the competition, Susan?
No, wrong answer. You're working for no-one. You're fired.
Unbelievable! Good-looking girl, brain the size of a peanut.
Get us a cup of tea. Three sugars.
Yeah, yeah, but I bet it's worse for them.
Same training regime, every day of every week of every year.
Can you imagine?
I should think 100 grand a week softens the pain.
Yes, I should think it does, yes.
Yes, well, I'm here for work. What's your excuse?
Oh, same. I'm an agent.
Oh! Smart man. Knows where the money is.
Oh, sorry, James Buckingham, Hawford and Buckingham Ltd.
Don Coleman, Footstar.
- Hawford and Buckingham? - Hmm.
I've not heard of them. What game are they in, then?
Oh, it's all very dull, I'm afraid. Investment mainly, bit of EC, bit of FIE.
All in the leisure industry.
- Finding money for projects. - What sort of projects?
Anything that'll net us shedloads of cash.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We put together the lion's share of the Emirates package,
we're heavily involved in the Olympic site, we're moving into club ownership.
You know, sort of... introducing money to opportunities.
You know, I've got a few contacts in that area myself.
- You know, club ownership. - Yeah?
Yeah, you know, potential investors looking to put money into a football club.
There's not many of them about, cos the numbers are so big,
but when you find 'em... you keep 'em close.
- That's very... interesting, Don. - Yeah, yeah.
You know, perhaps we should...
- Sorry. - No worries.
Oh, bugger off, Boris.
Look, Don, I have to go but, erm... are you coming to this knees-up later on?
- Knees-up? - Sports bash in the city. Kahiti's.
- Erm... - It might be good if we could talk further.
- Oh, yeah, yeah... - I've got loads of tickets.
Shall I put a couple on the door?
- Yeah. - I'll leave four.
- Cool. Yeah. - See you later, good to meet you.
Nice to meet ya.
Bit of business, Don. Bit of business.
I mean, I get the same, Em. They don't take me seriously sometimes.
- Yeah? - I've got skills they know nothing about.
- Really? - Listen, I worked in the City for a long time.
- As a trader? - Yeah, I was in sandwiches,
had me own lunch round.
Oh, OK.
Worked at MI5.
Did their windows for years.
Hey, I bet you didn't know this...
I was nearly a famous actor once.
All right, guys, he's here. Let's have a party!
No, I know how it happened. Get to my office, get to my desk.
Find it, fax it to him. Yes, immediately!
Look, call me back. Call me back!
Don! Glad you could make it.
- How are you? - I'm good. Better than you, by the look of it.
- Just lost a ruddy investor. - Oh, right. Big one?
Supposed to be in for 20.
I can't imagine 20K's gonna be hard for a man like you to replace.
Million, Don. 20 million.
I'm very sorry, but I'm gonna have to go and sort this out.
- I thought we were gonna have a little... - I talked to my co-directors.
They're very keen for us to sit down and meet properly.
- If I could just have five... - I'll call you, Don, you're on my radar.
Five...
Yeah, no. No, I've just finished with Fabio now.
Yeah, no, he said he's definitely gonna help us, 100%.
I'll meet you in the bar in two minutes. All right, all right. Bye. Bye.
Sorry...
- Sorry, are you Don Coleman? - Yeah, who wants to know?
Brandon Casey, I wrote you a few years back looking for representation.
- I'm a... I'm a footballer. - Yeah?
Yeah, I recognised you from your website.
Well, looks like you got a few connections now, kid.
Just a few. I'm hoping they can help me. I'm trying to move over here from Ontario.
Oh, you're Canadian?
Yeah, I lived here when I was growing up, but technically I'm a Canadian citizen,
hence the problems with the work permit, blah, blah, blah. You know what it's like.
- Johnny! - Listen, we should talk.
- It's my guy. Excuse me. - Come on, kid.
- Take care, Don. You look after yourself. - Excuse me! Excuse me!
Sorry to jump in like this. Would you, by any chance, be this young man's agent?
I certainly am. Johnny Savage, but the guys call me Mr. ABC.
Always Be Closing!
- Hey! A kindred spirit. - Find the need... but sell the want!
One foot in the door is worth two on the desk!
If at first you don't succeed...
Boom! You're fired.
Don Coleman.
I run a UK agency called Footstar.
I think you might just need my help.
Sit down?
The only reason I didn't get it,
and Dickie phoned me personally to tell me this,
the only reason I did not get that role...
eyes the wrong colour.
I've got blue eyes...
Gandhi's were brown.
And, I mean... they couldn't have just
- Given you coloured contact lenses? - No. Not authentic, you see.
They wanted authenticity.
Sir Ben had real brown eyes. That was the only difference between us.
Right.
- Mickey, hi! - Hey.
Come and sit down. Have a beer, it's my shout.
In fact, you can have two, I'll get you one. Just gonna go to the toilet.
Hey, Mickey, did I ever tell you about the time I worked in the City?
I tell you, this kid is special, Don.
I've seen a lot of players in my time, even repped some of the greats,
but this kid - I swear, he's the new Pelé, the new Maradona, the new Rooney.
Fabio loves him. Sir Alex, Roy, Carlo, they're all interested.
I've got a couple of people in immigration who've, er...
sorted out problems like this for me before.
Are you serious?
Chinese lad last year - couldn't get a permit.
Ran out for Rovers last week.
Hey, now, Don, if you could help us here we really would be very grateful.
How grateful?
OK.
If you can genuinely get me a permit that passes muster...
it'll be worth 25 grand to you.
Sterling.
- No. - OK, OK. How much?
Nothing. I'll get you the paperwork for free.
But when he's sold, I want in on the commission, 50-50.
- In on the commission? - And I will earn every penny of that, Johnny,
- Because I'll do the deal. - But that is my job.
This is not your manor
and, with all due respect, you do not have the contacts that I have.
I'm the best salesmen in the business, Johnny.
I will get him double what you will get him, and you would be a fool...
not to except my offer.
Right.
- So what did you say? - What could I say? That I'd think about it.
- So now what? - We quit.
- No. - Ash...
he actually wants to try and sell Brandon.
He's obviously not even gonna start trying to do that
until he's confirmed he's as good a player as you said.
Even if we convince him of that,
he would then have to convince a real team of the same.
I know we've been in worse situations, but I can't think of any right now.
- What are you actually like at football? - Well...
- He's got two left feet. - That's a bit harsh.
At school there was a kid with no legs got picked before him, once.
Tell you what I am good at though - goal celebrations.
Get in there! Come on! Shh!
# Ba-ba-da-da, ba-ba... #
- What you thinking? - I think I'm thinking what you're thinking.
What d'you think I'm thinking?
- Goal celebrations. - You think right.
Emma, we may actually need your help on this one.
What, to slice some half-time oranges?
Oh, a bit more fun than that.
It was part of his dying wish,
to literally become part of this club that he loved so much.
So if you could just...
...give us half an hour...
alone...
we'd be so grateful.
Take as long as you need, love.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
All right, lads, lots of hugging, lots of kissing.
Jumpers off, let's celebrate. Come on!
Have some of that! Come on! Whoo!
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, do you know, mate, it's harder than I thought.
- But you think you can do it? - He brought down my old club, Mickey.
Failure's not an option.
All right.
Come on, baby.
Don, James Buckingham here.
Look, I'm on a train, so I'm probably going to cut out.
All right, go on.
Our company has some lucrative deals on the horizon, and we have a role for Footstar.
Which is what exactly?
A bridge between our investment opportunities
and the high-net-worth sports personalities you work with all the time.
OK, yeah, yeah, good.
And we have absolutely no doubt
that some sort of partnership would be very profitable for us both.
So, I would like us to...
Hello? James?
Yeah, James, it's Don Coleman. Give us a call back, mate.
Woo-hoo! Come on! Who's that? Who's that? Yeah!
Oh, come on. This is money. This is money!
Three grand a week and I can't get a bloody reception in this place!
- Do you want a biscuit with your tea? - No, I don't want a sodding biscuit!
Uh, OK.
Here's Wallacey with the ball, taking it down the left-hand side.
Oh! That is a fantastic line down through to...
- Oh, I am good. - A goal for Casey!
I am very good.
Yeah. You're also Sepp Friedel, 1979 AC Farola.
Yeah?
- Who else? - Bonjachek, Piranesi, and Meissen.
You're a Euro pudding.
- So are these ready to post now? - Yeah, yeah. You ready?
I'll be a scout Coleman hasn't dealt with before, so he won't know him to speak to.
As for the other callers, Emma's had a bit of a brainwave.
- Oh, I thought I smelt burning. - Hilarious.
OK... let's do this.
Call Coleman, tell him the deal is on and that Brandon Casey's for sale.
Albert, get Sean plastered.
Yeah, then let's show this cheating, slimy toad -
he dicks with my football team at his peril.
Are you talkin' to me?
Are you... Hang on a minute. See how I get on with this.
Are you talkin' to me?
Well, I'm the only one here.
Oh, all right?
I was just brushing up on me old skills. I don't want to let you down, Em.
I'll take this off.
He really is worth his weight in gold,
absolutely worth his weight in gold.
Oh! Get in. Go on!
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Boom-a-ho!
So, is he good, or is he good?
- He's good. - Shall I get him in?
No, let's go and see him.
So, we'll have to start looking at what's out there, who wants what.
I'll probably have to film a training session with him and...
- What the... - What?
What d'you mean "what"? He's on bloody crutches!
- I ripped the tendons. - I told you about that.
- You never said anything about that. - Hey, Don, what's the problem?
It's just a little tear, he'll be training again in a couple of weeks.
That might be so, but how am I supposed to sell him when he's on bloody crutches?!
You could sell underarm deodorant to the Venus de Milo.
Anyway, we're selling those and we're selling these.
Remember - find the need, sell the want.
Mr. Coleman, I've got Ray Bowles on line three for you.
- Ray who? - The scout?
Says he wants to talk to you about a new lad you've taken on,
- Brandon Casey. - How'd he know about that?
Hey, good news travels fast.
OK, OK.
OK, this could work. With the injury...
Buzz means a frenzy, frenzy means a quick sale. Boom!
Punch him through! Line one!
And do something about your face, you're putting me off my lunch.
Oh, mate! Mate! Listen, you can moan all you like,
but you got more chance of winning silverware
than Brandon becoming a Gooner. So, bye-bye.
Close the door on your way out.
Cheeky git! What's he thinkin'? Mercy.
- Don Coleman, hello? - Don, how you doing?
Hey, big fella! How you doing? What can I do for you?
I was just ringing about this new boy you've taken on - the lad Casey.
What? Brandon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You heard of him, have you?
- I saw him play last year in Toronto. - He's something special, ain't he?
Not bad, Don, not bad. So look...
Hello, Footstar.
Tell him it's Alan Bristol from City, calling about Brandon Casey.
He's actually on the phone at the moment. Would you mind holding?
All right? Thank you.
There's a position opened up in our squad.
- We think your Brandon's the one to fill it. - Well, listen, Ray, here's the deal,
I've got offers coming out my arse on this one, mate.
- Not as good as ours, Don. - Listen, mate, I'm telling you!
I've got top offers, so if you're interested, you better move fast.
- I'm looking to shift him out the door today. - Today?
- Look, Don, obviously, I'd have to see him. - Ray! Ray, mate!
- You've already seen him. - In Canada, I'd still have to...
Ray, you know what the boy can do.
- Oh, sure, but... - Look, just forget it, right? Forget it.
You're obviously not serious and, to be honest with you, I haven't the time.
- So thanks for the call. - Er... Wait, wait, wait.
All right. Give me some figures, Don.
Very, very nice doing business with you, Ray.
I'll have the contracts and the work permits on a bike ASAP.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the best. Bye-bye.
35 grand a week,
three-year contract, and...
they pay your National Insurance.
The Don is on!
I am the Don!
- You are the Don! - I am the Don!
- You are the Don! - And the Don is on!
And you, Johnny Savage, you owe me 50 grand.
You are the Don!
The King Don!
Wait. We're to hand over 50K of our money?
Mm. As convincers go, you'd have to admit, it's pretty convincing.
And then Ash introduces the idea of his potential football club buyer.
Mm-hm. Billionaire businessman, Mr. Karl Schultz.
And Coleman sees the opportunity to broker the sale
- Between Schultz and James Buckingham. - You.
- Yeah. - What could be simpler?
Em, I just thought you might like to know... Erm...
I do animal noises as well.
Canada goose, you know, just if you need it.
What was that?
I think that was a goose.
Oh, a goose.
Ten...
twenty...
thirty...
forty...
fifty thousand.
You know the difference between try and triumph...
it's just a little bit of "umph".
Voice of velvet, heart of stone.
You could sell the pope a condom.
You're a true gentlemen, Johnny, you know that?
You... are a true gentlemen.
You know...
...there's someone I'd like you to meet, Don.
- Yeah? - A friend of mine from New York.
Uh, I've done a couple of deals for him in the past,
but he's mostly Europe-based now, and I don't really have the contacts here.
- What's his game? - Hotels, casinos, shopping malls,
but he sold up a couple of years back.
I mention him cos he's a big soccer fan
and he's looking to get involved in a club on an investment basis.
You ever come across opportunities like that?
Mm, maybe, you know. From time to time.
- Really? - What's this... What's this fella's name?
The negative close thing...
you don't think we've played it a bit too...
negative?
It's fine, he'll call.
He'll call.
- James Buckingham. - James, Don Coleman.
Don, how are you?
- Yeah, not bad, not bad. - To what do I owe the pleasure?
James, I was just, er... wondering.
That investment problem you had - did you manage to sort it?
No, not yet, Don. Still working on it.
Right, right.
D'you mind me asking...
what sort of investment was it?
- For your ears only? - Of course, James.
It's a football club, Don. Why? Know of an investor?
James, can we meet?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, yeah, see you then.
- And that is kick-off! - Come on you Railton!
The Minnesota Tigers.
- Yank outfit? - Yeah, yeah. What? Is that a problem?
No, no, my client's an American.
Really? Very good.
Well, they're recently valued at a little under 150 million US.
Our consortium has secretly been buying stock over the last month.
We were very near a position which would have given us effective ownership
when our problem occurred.
- The twenty million. - Yeah, yeah.
So, Don...
this isn't a buy, strip and flip, all right?
We're offering a simple bootstrap deal - LBO or HLT -
with a combination of syndicated loan and high-yield bonds,
or a mezzanine arrangement, revolving credit,
with floating instruments pegged to the London Interbank Offered Rate.
Which one do you think your man would go for?
- The second one. - The second one, very smart choice.
Pre-payable at the rate of the issuer with a no-call period of three to five years.
But look at me. Ha!
What am I doing? Blah, blah, blah. Teaching my grandmother to suck eggs.
So... Don!
Finder's fee, huh? Standard... Standard one percent?
- One... - All right. God.
Look at me - crucified.
One and a quarter, then. Bastard.
Should net you 250 thou.
- Lastly, we have the time issue. - How long you got?
I have it on good authority
there's a journalist from one of the Sundays sniffing around the story.
Story breaks, bid is dead.
So we have effectively 24 hours to find that money.
Bottom line, Don...
can you do it?
Can you sell this baby?
James, I could sell salt to a slug.
You leave it with me.
Ha! Good man!
That's what I like to hear. Ha-ha!
Salt to a slug!
- You will call me, as soon as you find out? - Right.
- Ha! - Take care, James!
Will do! Salt to a slug! Love it.
Hey!
Oh, Lord! Oh, blimey.
Oh, walk away, Don. Out your depth, walk away.
It's 250 grand!
Flip strip, mezzanine arrangement, floating pegs.
Oh, you cannot sell this, Don.
You do not understand a bloody word!
One phone call, quarter of a million quid.
Nice and calm, Don. Nice and easy.
- Johnny Savage. - Johnny...
I think I need to see your man. I think I might have a deal for him.
- Get in there! - Yeah!
Das ist gut, ja?
The land of 10,000 lakes.
Minnesota means "star tinted water" in the Dakota language.
Oh, right, well, you... you know the area.
My father moved to Berlin as a young man.
Before the war?
No, after.
He was otherwise engaged... during.
Right.
They welcomed him, made him feel safe, till he met my mother.
Then they moved to New York when I came along, but...
I've always felt a debt of gratitude to the place.
So, your people sent these over a couple of hours ago.
Boring legal stuff. I haven't had time to read them.
So, you will tell me, what is this deal?
OK.
Well... i- it's not a buy, strip and... whip.
They're offering either a simple shoelace deal -
LSO or HRT -
with a combination of syndicated loan and high-gain bonds,
or a little mezzanine arrangement.
Revolving credit?
All the way round. Superior secured with floating-rate instruments
pegged to the London Interface Offered Rate.
Pre-payable at the option of the issuer?
With a no-call period of five to seven, ja?
Three to five, I'm afraid.
They know what they're doing, ja?
Yeah, but you got to move fast, Karl. There's a journalist sniffing around.
If the story breaks, the deal collapses.
I can't be rushed, Johnny.
This journalist -
warum nicht benutzen das alte wood-chipper, huh?
- Oh, I don't think so, Karl. - Huh?
I shall read it. If I like it,
I'll have Johnny call you up tomorrow morning before ten with my answer.
I hope we have a business deal, Herr Coleman.
Das ist alles.
The bill.
Oh, oh, I'll get this.
Guten Abend.
Alfie, er... Did... Bitters...
- What was that about a wood chipper? - No, no, no. It's just a joke, you did good.
Right.
Blimey.
We are so bloody close, Albert, I can taste it, I tell you we are so bloody...
Ash? Ash?
I've got a great feeling about this, James. I think Schultz wants to invest.
So... Savage is gonna meet me by ten.
If it's a thumbs-up, they'll need all the sort codes, bank details -
- Everything they need to make the transfer. - I'll e-mail it straight over.
And, Don... I've got a good feeling about it, too.
How long has it been now?
Nine hours.
I can't believe it, this is awful.
Yep, completely buggered up the con.
Well, it's awful for Ash too.
Obviously.
You can see him now.
- Oh, Ash! - All right.
I'm so pleased you're OK.
How are you feeling?
Sexually aroused by the feel of your impossibly firm breasts against my chest.
- Ash, that's my sister. - Ask me what I think about the consultant.
- You what? - Just... ask me.
Fine. What do you think about the consultant?
I think he's a pompous little git with a tiny head and a mouth like an arse.
- Albert ask me whether I like your cooking? - Like? I thought you loved my cooking.
- Don't you? - Everything you cook
tastes like the elephant house at London Zoo,
and if I never have to eat another mouthful I shall die a happy man.
I'm sorry, Albert, I'm sorry, Em.
I don't mean to say these things, but I can't help it.
What do you mean, you can't help it?
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with him?
I'm afraid your friend has developed a very unusual condition
as a result of his head injury.
- What condition? - Creutzman Belling syndrome.
In fact, it's one of the most severe cases I've ever come across.
- Sorry, Creutzman what? - Belling syndrome.
It's a rare side effect of certain cranial traumas
with subsequent oedema on the left prefrontal lobe,
with the result that the patient develops a complete and profound inability to lie.
For a conman, something of a handicap, I'd have thought.
- You told him you were a conman? - Yeah, just after I told him I had his wallet.
OK, look, then there's a cure. There must be a cure. Tell me there's a cure.
No, there's no cure.
Sometimes it just goes away.
Sometimes people live with it for the rest of their lives.
Personally, with you... I hope it's the latter.
- Any other questions? - Is that a syrup?
You're free to go. Good morning to you.
- Are they really impossibly firm? - Yes. Sorry.
- Not even my Shepherd Pie? - No. Sorry.
- The con is over, Ash. This one definitely... - No, no, I won't accept that.
- If you can't lie, you can't con. - Look,
I only tell the truth when I'm asked a direct question.
I can still be Johnny Savage, Albert can still be Karl.
The only problem is if Coleman asks me a direct question
that has an answer that exposes the con.
- That's actually quite a big problem, Ash. - But is it?
No, not if those questions aren't allowed to be asked.
But how would you stop them?
What if Emma goes to the meeting with Ash as Schultz's lawyer.
Then when Coleman asks Ash a direct question,
Emma, you can distract him, deflect him,
do whatever it takes to make sure Ash doesn't answer the question honestly.
- You really think you can pull this off, Ash? - No, not a chance.
But it's worth a try, isn't it?
It's only one meeting, and if we get through that, then we've got him.
He has got our dosh.
Yeah, Emma, what do you think?
But I'm a woman. Surely I'll just mess things up?
Come on, he's met everyone else, it has to be you.
- Please? - Pretty please.
- Go on, then. - Good.
- OK, how long have we got? - I said I'd call him and arrange a meet.
Right, OK. Then talk at him. Don't give him a chance to get a word in edgeways.
Set up the meeting. We'll take it from there.
Hi, Don, how you doing? I'm good.
So, I got some news. I think we're in business and we need to meet.
Can I suggest Denbies restaurant again in about an hour? Hope that's OK with you.
Great talking to you, look forward to seeing you later, OK, gotta run now, bye.
Piece of cake.
- Johnny! - Hmm!
Whoo! How are you, mate?
- You good? - He's good!
- We're both good. How are you? You good? - Yeah, I'm good. Who are you?
- I'm Jess, nice to meet you. - Right.
- Don't tell me. She's your niece, right? - Wrong.
- No, I'm Mr. Schultz's lawyer. - Yeah, sure you are, darling.
You sly old dog. You got any more secrets you're not telling me?
- Well, as a matter of fact... - Absolutely not. No, none at all.
Actually, we don't have a lot of time, so can we get straight to it?
A woman after my own heart. My apologies.
So, by the sounds of it... we're gonna make some money.
Well, you're not.
No. You're not gonna make some money, Mr. Coleman.
- You're gonna make lots of money. - Schultz likes my deal?
- No, he does... - Doesn't like your deal, he loves your deal.
And, you know, he's good to go,
so all we need now are the transfer details.
- It's that simple? - It hasn't been that simple, Don, trust me.
Right, well, I've got the details right here.
Great.
Yeah. Great. This all looks like it's in order.
OK, I'll get that transferred straight away.
And unless there's anything else?
- What, that's it? - That's it.
- Almost seems too easy. - Well, in a funny sort of way, it is.
Well, I can't hang about.
People to see, money to make. Jess, it's been a pleasure.
- Johnny, I'll speak to you later. - I don't think so.
Ah! Quarter of a million pound.
I'm here to see James Buckingham.
James, me old mate! Get your chequebook out.
As of about 20 minutes ago, you owe me a quarter of a million sovs.
- Don't you ruddy "mate" me. - You what?
- Schultz's money has just come in. - Yeah.
- 14.36! - Sterling, yeah. And?
And, Don, and... How many times do I have to bloody tell you!
You, take a tea break. Tea break!
Don the conversion rate was based on the short Libor rate plus 0.25 points.
Those points discounted on the swaps zero-coupon yield
and shifted by 0.15 points to equal the actual market curve basis price.
Making, Don?
Making 14.86 sterling. I mean, I couldn't have been clearer!
- This is kindergarten stuff. - Just...
Your man is nearly half a million short,
with 40 minutes to go before the papers hit the newsstands and the deal collapses!
- Jesus! I'm sorry. - Don't-don't... Don't be sorry, Don.
Don't be sorry, be better.
Could you please call your man and get him to wire the rest of the money now!
I'll call my man, Johnny. He'll sort it out.
I'll call him right now.
- Jess speaking. - I need to speak to him, Jess.
Johnny's on another call right now and, actually,
- We're on our way to the airport. - The airport?
Yeah. An ex-business partner of Mr. Schultz has turned up on a pig farm in Connecticut.
- Well, some of him turned up. - Oh, my God.
I know. Johnny's flying over to the States now to help Mr. Schultz sort things out.
Well?
Just a minute.
We can't get a hold of him.
Coleman, Coleman, we need that money.
We need that money and we need it fast!
I don't care if it comes from your account or your client's account,
but if it is not in our account in 37 minutes
the deal collapses, you do not get a penny of your finder's fee
and I might just look at suing your arse for breach of contract
all the way from here to Minne-bloody-sota!
OK! OK, just calm down. Calm down.
I can transfer the money from Footstar's account.
No problem. Get it back from Schultz later.
- Good. - I just...
- I just need 15 minutes, James. - We don't have 15 minutes!
- 15 minutes and you'll have your money! - Look.
Do you see this? Do you want your finder's fee?
It had better be 15.
I need to see Johnny.
Well, like I said...
I need to see Johnny now or the deal's off!
- We have to go back. - No, I can't.
- Ash, we have to. - Look, I can't.
- All right. - OK, OK, we'll get the later flight
and we'll see you back at the restaurant in ten. Bye-bye.
Right, so here's the deal.
There's been a slight bollocks with the figures, some currency rate issue.
Bottom line is Schultz is 500 grand light.
I don't want to bother him on his day off - he's got better things to think about.
So... I have my bank on the line here.
I'm prepared to transfer the funds from my account
and get it back from the German later.
OK, but...
500 grand's a lot of money, Johnny. It's a lot of money.
So... before I do the deal...
I need to look you in the eye and ask you, Johnny, is there any reason...
any reason at all...
why I should be nervous...
- About doing this? - Mr. Coleman, I can assure you...
Sorry, darling, no offence, but this is a man I've already done business with.
This is a man I know I can trust.
I need to hear it from him.
Johnny, is there any reason,
any reason at all,
why I should not transfer the money?
Well, of course there is. It's a con, and you are being completely turned over.
If you transfer that half a million, you'll never see it again.
Wha...?
What can I tell you, Don?
I'm a professional con artist!
In fact... so is Jess here.
Yeah, we're a team, Don, we're in it together.
- Yeah, I'm not a football agent. - I'm not a lawyer.
- Johnny's not my real name. - I'm called Emma. Emma!
- So you're not really an American? - No, I'm from London, ain't I?
Oh, and that 50 grand you gave me, that was just to pull me in, right?
Yeah, right, that was to earn your trust.
- It's what we call it a convincer! - And we call you the mark.
And I've fallen for it - hook, line and sinker?
So we thought, but now you've seen through us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll come quietly, officer.
- Genius! - Isn't it? Yeah!
- You crack me up! - I crack me up, Don. I crack me up.
Yeah, it's Don Coleman. Transfer the money. It's all good.
It's fine, transfer the money.
- Con artists! - Oh, my God.
Oh, you like that! Tell me honestly, you liked that?
Oi! Champagne!
Come on.
Here we go.
Yes! Now that is what I'm talking about!
Come on! That's the one!
Con artists.
James?
Buckingham? Someone?
Anyone?
No!
And a superb bit of play there by Morgan and Kennedy,
and a richly deserved victory for...
Railton FC.
So... d'you think Coleman'll come looking for us?
No, I think he'll be otherwise distracted.
As far as he's concerned, he has lost Karl Schultz's 20 million to a con artist.
If I were him, I'd be keeping a very low profile.
Oh, yes!
Railton!
- Things couldn't have worked out better. - Yeah, except for Ash.
Mickey, what the hell are we gonna do about him?
- Ash! - What? Is he all right?
Ash, are you OK?
- What happened? - How many fingers am I holding up?
- One. - Oh, Ash.
- Joking. Four, love. I'm absolutely fine. - Wait, wait, wait. A joke?
- Lie. - Lie.
Lie.
- Lie! - Lie.
- What's your name? - Bob.
- How old are you? - 21.
- What d'you do for a living, Bob? - I'm a brain surgeon.
- It's Albert, how do you like my cooking? - Oh, Albert, I love it.
I absolutely love it!
Yeah, yeah. Here's to us!
We're back on! Cheers!
An anonymous donor, apparently.
Over 200 grand.
Restores your faith, doesn't it?
Don't come near me with that thing.
Dog roll, can't beat it.
I wouldn't even ask why they call it that.
- It's delicious. Pure minced lips and hoof. - Oh!
- Organic? - Oh, of course.
- Now don't mock until you've tried it. - Not a chance.
Come on, you, Railton!